Boundaries, Agreements and Rules; the pitfalls and pillars of relationships

Part Two:

Agreements vs. Rules; Designing the kinds of relationships you want

photo by “the blow up” unsplash

“ While we can create agreements and rules in relationships alongside of developing our own personal boundaries, being clear about our own boundaries and setting them in motion, gives a much more substantial scaffolding to build healthy agreements in partnerships.”

In this last year, I’ve been investigating what my own personal blueprints were as I was growing up. Specifically around boundaries, rules and agreements. Frankly, I thought I’d be writing part two much sooner than this, but found myself upended awkwardly as I explored my own growing edge in relationship to my personal boundaries and how I build agreements or assert rules in my life. 

In my family of origin we had unspoken agreements, a moral code that was built on a honed level of consciousness about the needs of others. My parents modeled kindness, generosity and compassion especially towards folks who were struggling. In so many ways my parents provided a framework for community and connection, a model I have been so grateful for. We were less proficient in the realm of personal boundaries which has meant that in some relationships I can get somewhat slippery, dismissing or diminishing my wants and needs and placing another’s needs blindly before my own. This can build resentment, create convoluted debris and ultimately, short circuit authentic connection. Implementing new ways of being has been profoundly impactful, mostly nourishing and sometimes messy. While we can create agreements and rules in relationships alongside of developing our own personal boundaries, being clear about our own boundaries and setting them in motion, gives a much more substantial scaffolding to build healthy agreements in partnerships. So, thank you for waiting for part two. As many of you know from working with me, I am growing right alongside you and this subject matter is well worth the study. Whether you are a champion or a novice, dive in. If you’ve not yet read part one, check out the blog previous to this one.

First let’s distinguish the difference between agreements and rules. Agreements are defined by Oxford English Dictionary as “an arrangement, a promise or a contract made with somebody”. Rules are distinctly different, defined as “a statement of what may, must or must not be done in a particular situation”. Agreements are collaborative between two or more people and rules are made by one or more people and instituted without need for agreement. Agreements are between, rules are above. 

In my work as a Sex and Relationship Coach there have been places where I have seen rules instituted over agreements overtly. For instance, when trust has been broken, the person who has felt harmed by the betrayal will often for a time need to assert rules in order to establish a sense of safety. But over time, the shadow of those rules when played out for too long, can hinder authentic intimacy in a way that may not be in service to growth. When we govern the freedom of our equals we set in motion an imbalance of reciprocal connection. So let’s sort out how to use rules occasionally and agreements inspirationally.

Prior to my own exploration of different relationship styles, traditional or untraditional, I had very little understanding of the impact of conflating rules with agreements. Rules disguised as agreements can be an unwieldy beast. Here’s a good example;

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• I don’t want you to be attracted to or flirt with other people. If you do, I will leave you. 

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Your partner may agree to not being attracted to others, or certainly, to not flirting, but the agreement itself is rooted in pressure or fear. It’s a clear pronouncement of a deal breaker, potentially leans more towards a boundary, but ultimately as it is stated, comes across more as a rule because it is reliant on a certain behavior from another. Rules most often, attend to one person’s needs, but not necessarily the needs of either the relationship or the other/others in it. Rules are one sided. Rules make sense on occasion, and may be pointing in a healthy direction, but they tend to miss some of the moving parts of the whole. To reframe this as a substantiated rule it might sound something like this. 

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In the next three months as we work on building trust again, I want us both to give more time to our relationship. Your flirtation towards others crosses the line for me. It needs to stop. If you aren’t able to operate within this framework, we’re going to need to sort out what else might work so I can take care of my heart in the best possible way. 

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Rules can facilitate a safer connection, but they can be tricky and can be used to heighten shame. They are best initiated with an expiration date. Rules may include a deal breaker, asserting that if this can’t happen then some substantial shift will need to be made, but when anchored to a level of respect and care, they can create an opening rather than an ending. 

Agreements are made collaboratively and are in service to the relationship and its values. Remember rules are above, agreements are between. Agreements are best made when you are clear about what essential elements or values you honor in the relationship you are co-creating. Agreements are made in support of those values. A reframe of the above rule:

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We agree that attraction is a natural aspect of human relationships and that attraction taken towards action is not within our agreement. If attraction causes either of us discomfort, we agree to support each other through the emotions that are present. We agree that our main objective is to expand our love for one another. Physical and emotional intimacy may be ignited by attraction elsewhere, but we agree that what we do with that ignited arousal, is bring it back to ourselves and to one another.

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Agreements serve the needs of the relationship. This particular example might be followed by clear detailed examples of limits or lines that serve the agreement. It is an example that comes up quite often in sessions, but is a difficult conversation to have in any relationship. I want to normalize that most often we have a crunchy, awkward, glitchy progression towards true intimacy with our communication. Sometimes it looks like a perfect love story, but most of the time love is deepened by the real wild beauty that risking those harder conversations can create.

Consider the possibility that through cultivating clarity and initiating your boundaries, you get to experience your exquisite agency, individuation and sense of self. In relationship to your beloved/s you will feel more enlivened, empowered and whole. Imagine co-creating collaborative agreements that are in service to profound love, passion, vitality and connection or many other values that you choose to claim. With a strong foundation in your relationship in the values that matter to you, agreements can be an opportunity to stabilize a deeper understanding of what you are up to together not only in the emotional, sensual and relational aspects of your relationship but also for the growth of your own path.  And when necessary, honor the temporary container of rules in support of stabilizing the uncertain terrain that can happen in any relationship. It is clear to me that through this work and witnessing many of you moving through times that sometimes feel desolate, those moments can be boundless in strengthening your bond. Boundaries, agreements and rules are part of the bigger picture of claiming the kinds of relationships that cause you to be more of who you are. As always, this is my hope for this work, that we would each have a deeper understanding of our personal path as we nourish relational, romantic and inspirational partnerships.  

The Blind Eye of Depression

Life can feel unwieldy sometimes and I find myself in my personal and professional world, conscious of the importance of not bearing the weight of that alone. It takes courage to say you need help and it takes equal courage to recognize when someone’s suffering may be too weighty to hold. On September 14th a man that I had only known for three days through his stay on my land, shot and killed himself. Though I recognized through our interactions that he was navigating sadness and disillusionment around his purpose in life, I would never have thought that this would be the outcome. My middle daughter Wrenna was with me when we found him. The experience was more difficult than I can fully articulate, but writing has helped me to navigate the complexity of my own suffering as I heal from the impact of the experience.  Whatever the cause of suicide, one thing I do know is that we need to begin bringing conversations around mental illness, lack of belonging, and desperation into the light. Shame keeps us separate. Compassion, education and honesty are necessary in the actions we take in our families and communities around our mental well-being. The questions I ask of myself around his death are anchored to my sorrow that in the midst of his experience of life, it was clearly impossible to see past his own suffering into a future that would be bearable. Writing this poem has become for me a way to hold something that has been difficult to handle and I’m sharing it with the hopes that it will not only bring connection and conversation, but that it will usher my own impulse to be a part of the healing that is necessary to cultivate a deeper sense of understanding overall. 

Belonging

It’s a gamble,

welcoming strangers into your life.

He would be staying for three days.

 

Three

an auspicious number.

Three sides to a triangle, 

three days from crucifixion to resurrection.

Three, the number of good fortune,

of past, present and future.

of birth, life and death 

 

One

We talked just short of an hour.

His smile was shadowed with sorrow. 

His composure, a kind of pliable sturdiness, 

a notably resigned strength.

 

Two

I brought him eggs,

he stood, 

met my hug 

a smooth chuckle,

lonely comfort. 

 

Three

I had come to know enough about him 

to recognize that his intelligence 

was both academic and soulful.

He was troubled by

why belonging evaded him.

 

For me

his presence 

had a noble weight to it.

 

On the morning of his departure 

he said that he would leave before dawn. 

Sun rising

I gave a sideways glance

at a respectful distance.

He must have fallen asleep 

in the soft morning light outside. 

I wondered if he had stayed 

to say goodbye.

 

I think I wanted that.

 

I chose not to wake him,

walked quietly towards

outdoor chores with my daughter 

to beat the full heat of the sun 

and work the land.

 

It was a sweet

simple morning.

I pulled foxtails out of my socks.

She and I 

settled into easy conversation.

A dog barked

In the distance

 

too close to him. 

And then I was punched with a sinking feeling 

 

Running, 

I saw him more clearly through the trees,

Neck arched over the back of the chair,

hands resting on his thighs

tight fists 

curled,

a juxtaposition of relaxation.

 

Repulsion moved through me,

an urgent violent shake, 

a slow fierce slap to the 

first pushed clang of his name 

ripping its way through my mouth.

 

Each loud scream 

ricochet off of the rifle 

resting between his legs.

 

My daughter behind me,

rough words

gun 

blood

scuttled phrases of panic.

 

Did he know 

when he chose my land, 

my heart, 

my life,

did he know that our 

three-day connection

would be his preface to death

and with one gunshot, 

explode my world? 

 

My feet stuttered towards him, 

body tight

heavy, clenched fist of me 

hurtling forward.

My voice was underwater

loud punches of his name, 

like a reprimand,

like a plea,

were swallowed 

by the stillness of his body.

 

The gun confused me,

harnessed with a rope

like a puckered 

anchor into the center of his chest.

 

He had laid open his heart to me 

yesterday.

Now this.

Now a cold weapon used hours before

had punctured a raw

pit on the altar 

of our connection.

All to end his suffering 

and begin a ripple of pain around him.

 

Did he know

that my daughter 

would shed everything 

to get to me,

shed her fear

shed her pleasure?

 

Did he know 

our family had been traversing

over long months,

a thin path behind 

my son’s ascent from sorrow?

Days and nights 

of an uphill scramble

that was finally almost wide enough 

to step beside him.

 

Did he know this one act,

a nightmare collision of surrender

to the gnaw and ache of depression 

was the only chasm I could not bridge

in myself?

A fear I’d almost quelled.

 

Did he know that my daughter 

was strong enough for this

but shouldn’t be?

 

That the 

sirens would break our terror 

into pieces.

 

Did he know that his blood 

would pour onto the soil,

a stain that I can’t quite remove 

even after it’s gone?

That I would stand with stiff resolve

to water it in. 

 

Did he know that my daughter 

would find the right seeds,

words planted 

that were more determined 

than his bullet?

 

Our land is able to carry his pain

She said.

Our land has held more 

than we ever could.

 

Did he know her strength

her sadness?

Did he know that his careful planning 

would become 

the place she had no other choice 

but to survive?

 

What remains?

 

One

I can feel the slow way his leaving

is soaking into the earth of me.

 

Two

I can’t yet soften 

the crimson curtain of color 

that spread in a pattern like a blanket 

over the curve of his belly.

 

Three

I am drawn each morning 

to drink in the stillness 

where in his pain 

he left us,

where we surrendered 

in a different way,

where we poured his rum 

into the red soil of him,

burned sweetgrass to 

bring redemption

over sorrows blemish.

 

His life,

an orchestration

much more complex than the few

music symbols 

that run off the page of me,

has undone me.

No easy answers.

For me, 

no beginning, middle and end.

“Belonging” written by Jaime Williams

Photo Credit Kalyja Rain Photography

 

Perfection

“Learning to give up on perfection may be just about the most romantic move any of us could make.” -Alain de Botton

After several months of going between my private practice as a Sex and Relationship Coach and larger settings of workshops and speaking engagements, I’ve landed at home for the summer to integrate the ideas, experiences, and people that have grown me in the process. As many of you know, one of the core themes during the workshops I’ve lead recently has been “Authentic is Sexy.” I have made it a practice to ask what the word authentic means. With all of the various creative and insightful responses, I got a glimpse into many of the sensations that people feel when they are being authentic. Authentic: “Not false. True to one’s own personality, spirit or character...no pretensions.” No pretensions. Our natures are phenomenally beautiful and spectacularly messy. Getting into a more comfortable and accepting relationship with the messy parts both in ourselves and in our partners can give us access to much more liberation and pleasure in the long run. Often I get to experience couples falling more deeply in love with one another when they uncover a more direct connection not only with their turn-ons and preferences around intimacy but also with their triggers, attachment styles, and blind spots. Embracing our imperfections as well as our strong suits allows us to expand the possibility of loving the whole package, which ultimately widens the path we have towards sexy experiences.

When we find patterns or obstacles in the way of pleasurable and present connection with ourselves and loved ones, what is most important to remember is that we are not on a quest to change ourselves by creating strategies to be different in order to be “acceptable.” The most profound part of the process is becoming more of yourself. Nothing is broken. Nothing needs to be fixed. Who we are is perfectly imperfect. We seek alignment with our true selves, our highest selves, our most honorable selves. Amen to that. But the reality is that we are impacted by the world, by past unhealed trauma, by being unresourced or tired, by living in a day to day life that can be taxing on our nervous and limbic systems. Choosing a compassionate response to the parts of us that may be constricted or obscured by current or past experiences, is not only one of the first ways to remember your whole full self, but it makes so much more space for delicious and sustainable closeness with others.   

So throw out any preconceived notions of what sexy looks like. When I work with clients who want to get more in touch with their erotic energy, I witness and celebrate how vulnerable this path is. It takes an extreme amount of willingness to penetrate the guard we put up. We are brilliant beings doing our best to navigate territory that can be tender and precarious and we get lost sometimes behind the strategies that have kept us safe for so long. Uncovering and unearthing the true frameworks of our beings and our connection to our sexy selves, is a courageous quest. It is an initiation into the soft underbelly of our wholeness.

Just in case you have forgotten, you are exquisitely sexy! If you’d like support on your path contact me. I will be spending part of my summer preparing for the next round of women’s and couples' series that will be coming up in September, offered both online and in person, so check out the links below. Or for sessions independent of the series I’m also offering a summer special on individual and couples sessions that you can use anytime so don’t miss the window to purchase sessions in advance at 10% off. The offer ends on the last day of July. I’ll create a card for you that I’ll keep in my office and will also send you an email confirmation of your purchase for your records.

Last but not least, I want to bring your faces, your experiences, your captured moments to my Instagram page. If you’d like to be featured, please upload your image, one that represents you, your relationships, your individuality, your process. Tag me in your image (@jaimewilliams.intimacycoach) and include the #authenticissexy. I will regularly feature your images and insights on my Instagram feed. I look forward to knowing you more, all of you.

Couples Series offered in the Grass Valley, CA:

http://www.jaimewilliams.net/workshops/

Women’s Series offered in Grass Valley, CA and online:   * the details for the online women’s series are listed at the bottom of the link:

http://www.jaimewilliams.net/somaticawomensws/

To Book an appointment or to contact me about purchasing sessions at %10 off through July:

http://www.jaimewilliams.net/book-now/

Make awkward sexy!

How often do you wish your partner would reach over and caress you without you having to ask for it? How persistent is the thought that your partner should know after all this time, exactly what it is you need?  Experiencing disappointment that we aren’t getting what we want in relationship can feel like the beginning of the end.  Instead, it can be an opportunity to approach the relationship in a completely new way. Teaching your partner how to love you is enhanced by their attunement to you, but attunement without direction or guidance leaves a lot of room for disappointment. Disappointment and hurt are a natural part of relationship. But most of us have believed that disappointment and hurt were an unacceptable part of relationship. We have seen them as roadblocks, but they can be the beginning of roadwork. Exploring ways to educate your partner about your likes and dislikes brings honesty, curiosity and passion more deeply into the playing field. Learning how to show or tell your partner in a way that encourages them rather than distances them is one of the areas I get to dive into with you in the couples sessions that are available to you.

If you have found yourself enduring a certain type of touch to avoid conflict or because you don't know how to broach the subject, if you have stifled your desires or felt shame or nervousness about telling your lover what really turns you on, it is not too late.  If you have felt insecure about your ability to fully please your partner and don’t know how to overcome that insecurity in a way that brings you closer, imagine what it might be like to give your partner permission to guide you in a vulnerable alluring way.  If you haven’t shown your partner what pleases you or shown them how to touch you in a way that brings you pleasure then first of all, you aren’t alone.  All of this is extremely common.  The good news is that it doesn’t have to be your story any more and most of all, if it is, finding ways to change these patterns can ignite a whole new realm of connection between you and your partner.

One of the most enjoyable parts of my work is dismantling the myths that are in the way of full connection. I get to celebrate the fact that when we start talking about those parts of romantic connection that are difficult to express, we get to embrace the awkward and nervous edges of deepening intimacy. We get to make awkward sexy.

This is one of the areas that we will be diving into in the upcoming series called “Vital Relationship Design”. You will be working privately with your partner in your session with me, uncovering the areas that have been in the way of fully manifesting the kind of relationship you both want. In the group sessions you will learn new tools to grow your relationships and have the opportunity to reflect with one another on the common ground almost every relationship moves through. So check out the details. I’d love to have you in the group.

Boundaries

Boundaries, defined as “lines that mark the limits of an area; dividing lines”, are a powerful resource as we nourish our ability to create healthy experiences in the world.  In regards to unsafe situations, boundaries are set to clearly establish separation. If you are in an unsafe situation in any way, your “no” is a clear proclamation meant to keep you from emotional or physical harm. Accessing our power and voice in this way is paramount. However, in healthy, thriving relationships I’d like to look at boundaries through a different window. Rather than viewing boundaries as a way to disconnect or protect, I’d like to establish a premise that cultivating the art of communicating boundaries lovingly, can serve the purpose for sustainable and vital connection. In fact, as we navigate building the kinds of relationships that allow us to be more fully ourselves, we have the opportunity to utilize boundaries as a way to co-create inspiring, passionate, balanced and pleasurable experiences with our beloveds. Over the years boundary violation builds wounds in our individual lives and preserving healthy boundaries in sustainable relationship, is a great bridge to healing those past wounds.

In romantic relationship, one of the issues that can create conflict is when one partner tries to move things forward sexually and the other partner says no. A common reaction in partnership during sexual intimacy when a boundary is set is that the partner given the boundary, immediately pulls all touch away. Sometimes it isn’t easy to receive a boundary because a “no” or a “slow down” may not be said in a conscious loving way, adding to our sense that we are doing something wrong. Learning how to express our needs and desires in regards to boundaries is a balance between conscious communication and attunement. Both partners can change the quality of intimacy when they are willing to integrate these aspects of healthy connection. On another level, in my work with couples and individuals, what I hear from them is that there is a risk to saying “no” to sex or sensuality because it sometimes causes an immediate gap in closeness. Sometimes a sexual partner will override their own boundary because their desire for some form of intimacy is high enough that they don’t want to risk an upset. This can also happen in new burgeoning romantic relationships as well. The level of acceptance and touch we long for can cause us to inhibit our voices and diminish our pleasure. One of the things I do in my work as a Sex and Relationship Counselor is help clients experience connection with one another while setting or responding to a boundary. Learning to stay present to one another while honoring and voicing your boundaries and desires is paramount in heightening intimacy in relationship. 

When setting boundaries in your romantic relationships, imagine the possibility of doing so to strengthen connection, both with yourself and the one with whom you are setting a boundary. This takes presence and curiosity. While letting yourself experience the emotions that may arise because you may feel you have done something wrong or your partner doesn’t want you to touch them, let it be a place where you turn your gaze more fully towards them, slowing down your touch to stillness. Return your touch to the territory you were already exploring and become curious about your partner’s desire.   Attunement to your partners needs is potentially an area that growth can occur. As with any art form, there is always room to grow. Allowing and encouraging your partner to teach you how they want you to touch them, what they want to hear, how they want to be seen and what turns them on, expands the playground for pleasure. When boundaries are honored as a way to enhance connection, what follows close behind is a new realm of possibility and a deeper intimacy you can dive more playfully and passionately into within your partnership.

The Land of Menopause

If you type menopause into your search engine, you get a long list of symptoms that sound alarm bells for men and women alike. I have witnessed several women ahead of me in the age game experience menopause and I’ve felt a tenacious panic rise in me. To be clear, the panic is unwarranted. It is tethered to the most difficult scenarios and I hadn’t stopped to look at where my disdain for this natural progression in life is coming from. If I had, I might have crossed over successfully to the other tangible experiences women are having with menopause. There are great stories out there too: deeper access to more liberated sexual experiences, welcomed hot flashes that feel like some kind of human purifier, emotional awakening that ushers in profound transformation. I thought I’d have more time to adjust and move in that direction, but life had a different plan. Six months ago I began an upended kind of initiation into the land of menopause.

It started with confusing back pain and pressure and discomfort in my abdomen. I did the thing that everyone tells you not to do and spent delirious hours on the internet reading the worst possible outcome for symptoms like mine. I dove into months of exploratory tests in regards to my reproductive health, masking my fear just slightly by an overt vigilance to ask doctors all of the right questions. After each test, I’d land in a kind of exhausted practice of repair meditation to battle my sadness and anxiety. A few biopsies, a myriad of blood tests and two surgeries followed by uncomfortable waiting for results, left me feeling that the worry and sadness was for nothing. Gratefully there was no cancer, just the reoccurrence of the repetitive anxious days of holding my breath and then relief when each result would come back benign. What they found was severe endometriosis, which had created extensive damage through adhesions and cysts. It was determined that my ovaries and uterus would need to be removed with the help of robotics in a third surgical procedure. For me, this natural, tender and sometimes tumultuous ascent away from the rhythm of the moon will happen in one two-hour surgery and I will have gone through six months of considering the loss first. Had I begun to stop shedding blood slowly, felt the first subtle sensations of my body heating up like a temperamental furnace, had I recognized the signs that my emotions had slipped sideways before knowing the hourglass had been toppled, I wouldn’t have stumbled ungracefully to my knees.

I am inclined to sculpt something beautiful out of almost everything; but here, I found, instead, Dhumavati, the goddess of decay.  She is unadorned and ugly. She rides a crow and carries a winnowing basket. She is stark and penetrating. She enacts her rituals on the holy ground of a field of graves. With her, your transformation comes when you embrace the ugly—the decay and the decomposition.

So before I go towards my third surgery, I want to toast the ugliness; I want to toast the part of me that has been sallow and uncertain, my attachment to staying fertile, and young. I want to show you my tiny scars that look like nothing more than fingernail scratches on my soft belly and tell you that they are portals to the underworld of me. I found the pain inside of the pain behind the complicated squeeze of entangled tissue. Dhumavati separates the wheat from the chaff and I have decided to collaborate with her and let go of all the unnecessary debris. There has been no epiphany or pronounced revelation, just an uncomfortable unraveling of the hurt that will heal me and the hurt that no longer serves me.

The science of it, the hormonal shifts and the most common stories about menopause that I have heard over the years, feel sometimes like a kind of inevitable prison sentence. I’m taking those stories and letting them go too. I’m going to stay curious, align myself with the mystery and unknown, I’m going to turn inward and discover an enhanced libido rooted in a deeper part of me.  I’m going to shift my eyes from the moon towards its buoyant reflection on the water. I’ll take one step back and imagine the way it separates in concentric circles that spread out across the expanse of ocean, making anything possible in the vast dips between light and shadow. No longer linked to the tide, I’ll cast my gaze to the depths where the light shifts spectacularly. If I am being emptied out, I’ll let that light fill the most sacred space of me. The mourning and the letting go is an essential part of the alchemy that makes room for something new. Respectfully, in this uncharted territory, I bow to Dhumavati. She is one formidable force that I am grateful I didn’t miss.

The Altar

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“The Altar

This Body
with all of its stories,
living in this mind,
containing this spirit
is the shape of me,
a vessel

with just enough history
to tell you a secret
that I can only keep for so long.

There is a moment in time
when you realize that
every experience,
each moment of friction and
tenderness and love,

even anger with its
sharp tongue and flailing limbs
or elation with equal surrender,

every touch
hands seeking some understanding
shoulders brushing
hips thrusting,

even those pristine moments alone
when you wonder where Love went,

there is a moment in time
when you realize
that everything is for you.

And so you turn
every sweet kiss
every raw wound
every whispering risk
every emotional collision
and passionate decision
every awkward embrace
and every divine union,

you bend and lean and pull and fall
into each breath
to pray yourself open,
to see that you
with your skin covering muscles and tendons and bones,
you are a vessel with life pouring through you.
Your structure
built out of ancient wisdom
conceived from light
and woven together with a thread
of man and woman,
you are fragile and supple
and certain and solid.
You are scent
and skin
and heartbeat
and breath
and a myriad of rhythms
that pound and beat
and shush and slip.
You are fertile
and luscious.

You are an altar.
You are a temple,
stained glassed eyes
carved gate of rib cage
drum of heart
curved archway and steeple of limbs
cherished cup of pelvis
chalice of lips
incantations of tongue
receptacle of ears
woven parchment of skin,
folded open
to trace fingers across the sacred text of you.”

— By Jaime Williams

Each of us have experienced those defining and difficult moments where we feel like there is nothing positive that can come from our circumstances.  We embody sadness, anger, fear, grief, shame.  Time becomes a slow weight, the hands circling with a heavy cadence, a thrum uttering “I am alone”.  The world widens often when we see situations across the globe that we deem greater than our suffering.  We compare and gain perspective, step out of our prison, never fully realizing that we have had the key all along.  What if we could change the picture, bury the prison and instead imagine a kind of ritual.  No longer trapped by our suffering we would give ourselves permission to explore each emotion fully, we would forge a deeper connection to our own strength, resilience, understanding, compassion and wisdom.  What if grief, fear, sadness or anger…what if they were waiting to be experienced?  What if they were equal to joy or elation?   Measuring them, balancing the weight of each, could suffering then be replaced by experiencing?  Each moment that carves us out in some way, that brings us to our knees, could become a ritual that opens us to unfamiliar territory in ourselves, necessary darkness, satiating silence, penetrating ache, a baptism of crying, deep relief in laughing, even those sensations that have no name. What if these experiences were the only way to our freedom?  What if our bodies were temples?  Though temple is often a word riddled with historical judgment, oppression and greed, it could be reclaimed, unhinged from its ancestral burdens and barriers and tethered to the original root “a building for worship”.  Imagine the possibility that each experience we’ve had is a moment to bow into ourselves, to surrender, to embody understanding, to honor our intricate fragility more deeply, to recognize that we are holy.  The world would become a different place or at the very least our internal world would begin to expand into the world we live in, reflecting a kind of vulnerability we haven’t ever fully accepted as an asset.  What if we nourished parts of ourselves that were hurting, shamed, isolated?  Would this kind of presence, generous compassion and unapologetic living allow us to become more vital, more malleable, more clear and ultimately more authentically connected to those around us? 

Nothing separates us from one another more severely than the belief that life is against us.  And shame, self-criticism, comparison often lock us into this belief.  If life was against us we’d have to live in such a way that was protective, vigilant, isolated and cautious.  It is clear these are ways of being that have become so familiar we have come to believe they are essential for our survival.  Imagine becoming the guardians of our temples instead.  We would utilize boundaries because we were wise or following our intuition, rather than protective shields because others can hurt us.  We would operate with compassion and honesty rather than pity and placating.  We would stop being accommodating and start being clear and receptive.  Those same experiences that have the right to destroy us would instead reflect the kind of impenetrable beauty that arises in the most surprising places.  We could make a mosaic out of the shattered pieces and strengthen the fractures rather than substantiating the injury.  We could build a shrine out of the rubble.  We could experience the way in which something wild, fragile and organic grows through the cracks of our armor.  Those experiences that seem unbearable, that may unravel everything beautiful for a time, would no longer be obstacles to freedom but doorways to liberation.

Reflecting on the places in my life that were the most difficult, has allowed me to see the way in which certain painful moments have added so deeply to who I am.  That was not true for me years ago.  I could not have said boldly that what I was going through would lead me to living a vital and satiating life.  That being said, I have never been through a war, never lost a child, never been raped.  These experiences are not the ones that have formed me and for that I am grateful.  I can only imagine what it would take to grow through that kind of pain, I can only imagine the amount of time and great care that it would take to heal and build something new out of the broken heart these burdens create.  Our ability to live as if we were temples requires an abiding presence, a willingness to experience and ultimately whole-heartedly embrace those parts of ourselves that hide in the shadows.  The truth is we have to go through them no matter what and one of the only things that makes difficult experiences worse is fighting the emotions that have built naturally as a result of the way our lives unfold. 

This one precious life has so far been such a humbling experience.  The stained glass windows that I look through, made from shards of glass that were formed out of my experiences and hemmed together with an alchemy of emotions lived, heightens your beauty.  The colors that I get to see you through are ones that I have held long enough to understand and I’m so grateful that I get to see you through them.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.    

photos compiled by Kalyja Rain Bear of Bear Bones Photography

thank you to all the women who were able to wear my words.  You are  part of a tribe of beautiful people who have changed my life and I'm so grateful.

Sexy

Have you ever taken a group photo where the photographer goes down the list of favourable prompts, “smile everyone…okay, a crazy look…now, everyone put on your sexy look”?  There is a picture I will spare you from seeing because my devastating attempt to “look sexy” is alarming.  Luckily I wasn’t alone.  One of my best friends had a similar take on sexy. In a few words, it was potentially the way we bent over as if picking up a heavy bag of cow manure or the look on our faces that was somewhere between pained and as if we had just eaten something really bad.  We gave sexy a confusing hilarity.   

Years later it is my pleasure to say that I have a new view of what sexy is.  As a Counselor working with individuals and couples over the last two years, I have been moved by the way in which deconstructing our approach to doing life “the right way”, allows us to live life more authentically connected.  I have learned similarly that trying to look sexy is the last thing that is sexy. Sexy is being your true self.  Sexy is unapologetically inhabiting your body in a way that permeates the room with a “Yes!".  For some of us, this takes some intentional work.  We have been trained that we are not enough as we are.  We suffer through comparison.  We look for connection in relationships without knowing fully how to be generously compassionate with ourselves.  We believe the countless messages that we have heard from the time we were born about what it means to be a man or to be a woman and ultimately we can end up feeling isolated as a result.  

So here’s my plan to storm the world in a way that can literally change our experience of life.  I’ve added a modality to my tool-box called the Somatica Method.  As a certified Sex and Relationship Coach I’m excited to share with you not only the way in which Somatica has changed my approach to inhabiting this one beautiful body, but also to the vast possibilities we can experience in the realm of intimacy. On Friday, January 6th at 6 o’clock in the evening, come find out what Somatica has to offer you.  Come if you are single or come with your partner.  My approach as a Counselor and Sex and Relationship Coach is one that encourages making great relationships even better.  I don’t believe that you have to have a problem to explore this realm.  Imagine being supported in experiencing the kind of vitality, playfulness and connection you believe is possible.  Sometimes we hit road blocks as well.  If you’re moving through difficult territory that you need some support in traversing, now is the time and I’m up for moving through that with you as well.  So come find out how I work.  The evening is a free event.  It will be fun, it will be experiential and it will be a great way to spend a Friday night with some really exceptional people.  Come also to find out about the two workshop opportunities that will begin in January.  

For Women:

Uncovering the Erotic

Integrating the Art of Sensation into Everyday Experiences

 

Or if you’re partnered, build community to support your profound relationship:

Living Powerfully with your Partner in the World

Click on headings for all of the details about both workshops.

Private message me through Facebook or email at jmedoubleu@gmail.com so that I can give you the location of the event.  I am also available if you have questions about the free event on the 6th or you’d like to privately discuss what the workshops entail at (530)559-2944.

Or RSVP below for the free intro event below to find out more details about all of the exciting opportunities.

3,650

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

Kahlil Gibran

There are angel wings painted on the two-story wall of my loft bedroom.  They were made with my three children’s hand prints intermingled with mine.  Each feather is a collage of purple and white and blue, like the separated colors of a bruise.  It has always been footprints that bring me to reverent silence, a simple signature of life passing. But these wings, with palms and fingers spread like an offering, remain evidence of not just a life lived, but the vast territory that our internal journey covers. 

We created the wings almost ten years ago at the time of my divorce.  In reflection, I was marking the swift flight between a devoted family and a shattered one, so though I was doing my best to make this artistic endeavor playful, it was much less like finger painting and a little more like excavating the bones of me. We can destroy and we can heal and though it is messy work separating one family into two, each morning I would wake to these wings and I would do my best by leaning forward with an aching heart towards a life that was both sustainable and healing for my children and me. 

The wall itself is the other half of the equation and equally important.  Days before painting the wings I stood where our bed had been for years.  I hadn’t slept for over a week, lying awake trying to figure out how I’d been so blind.  In one severe moment I went from thinking I knew everything about marriage and my husband, to not knowing him at all.  I looked at the tall two-story wall that extended up into the loft that had become my new bedroom.  I had feverishly rearranged everything that reminded me of our intimacy and as I faced the expansive wall in this now barren room, I felt small in comparison. Fierce, but so little. 

I took a paintbrush and wrote, scratched, etched, yelled, slammed, cried words onto the wall.  Garish graffiti.  Time was distorted in those first months and though I painted “forgive” across all of it before layering paint up and over the railing, I wouldn’t fully know forgiveness until years later.  Even now, there are moments when some interaction or experience will occur and I will feel the brittleness of anger or resentment shift forward in me and I will walk in circles with the curling posture of my emotions until I find the path to forgiveness again.  Knowing forgiveness, speaking it, feeling it, living it and then moving forward having released something that had me tethered to the past was never a one-time deal.  Each act of forgiveness had it’s own world of sensations, including the act of forgiving myself.   

The angel wings were perfectly aligned to extend from my scapula so that I could lean back against the solidity of the wall and slowly let myself unfold.  Or that is what I imagined.   But I found that it takes much more than one-dimensional pronouncements to bring you freedom.  Freedom is a choice and choosing it takes courage.  I did not always choose to be courageous.  Sometimes it was easier to go the route of blame.  Blame gathers an audience and is a momentary salve.  Courage on the other hand can be lonely, requires that you move through all of the painful and uncomfortable feelings, can drive you to the doorstep of madness and on the rare moments when you are commended for it, can be followed by pride which needs to be met again, with courage.  Ending my marriage created a tumultuous and breath taking beginning.  I chose to be catapulted into an uncertain life.  The life I had pictured did not begin to touch the kind of reflection I needed to face then. Marriage had a menu that I understood and the life I chose ten years ago would come from an emptying out of everything that I knew.

At first it was difficult not to feel like a victim, a kind of relentless thrashing and raw internal eruption.  It took strong enduring friendship and presence to bring me to a place where I could own and embody that ending the marriage was not the only choice, but one of many choices.  I believe that was when my healing could begin.  I was not trapped or forced or driven to experience the difficulty of divorce.  I was not along for the ride.  I was not a victim.  I had also chosen to veil my intuition long enough to feel diminished by the unhealthy aspects of our relationship.  Recognizing that I had made a choice did not mean that I was graceful or fair or that the process looked or felt peaceful.  I was unbearably angry at times, pressed myself into corners and cried for hours, made mistakes that I wish I had a do-over for, but ultimately what I would come back to is that I held the reins to my passage. 

Being at choice informed the next ten years.  Immediately after my divorce, I said I’d never marry again with a kind of bravado and sarcasm.  Fortunately, time and healing and exploration allowed me the space to find authentically that I would instead embrace relationship with the same earnestness that guided my healing.  So I studied, observed, explored and loved.  I have learned that though relationships ebb and flow in terms of passion, intrigue and excitement, there is a quality of stagnancy that can be avoided by establishing patterns that keep curiosity, love and respect alive.  I found out that even experiences like jealousy or insecurity could be opportunities to build understanding and heighten intimacy.   Due to my past it would have been natural and understandable to fortify behaviors that make relationships feel safe.  But through trial and error I found that decisions made out of fear, diminish the kind of intimacy that I long for.  

Avoiding suffering is not the goal for me, nor one I recommend for others.  But noticing why we are choosing it is essential.  Suffering is only hazardous when we keep recreating it. Suffering lasts as long as we endure it and feed it.  I have a strong belief that if we take suffering, that shadow that can either engulf us or coax us into the light, and we peer into it to find the pieces that will usher us towards healing, then we embrace life rather than cower from it.  

In this last year I have noticed that I shunned the woman that I had become in my marriage.  She was far too accommodating and she constantly was apologizing for the debris that was not her own, scrambling to pick up the pieces as a tornado passed.  Even the woman I became in my grief and anger, I explained away.  She is broken, not who I am now.  Today, October 25th, 2016 I celebrate the whole journey and welcome each aspect of the woman it took to become who I am today.  I was carved out by a very difficult experience.  I could not have seen it then, but that is what it took to unmask me.  Waking this morning to those angel wings is a whole new experience.  So with gratitude I bring my entire self forward and honor these ten years.  Today I get to begin a new chapter.  There is so much more to come. 

Letting in

Lately, I have been studying a practice called Tonglen, literally meaning, “giving and taking”.  Through exploring this practice I have begun to cultivate a new approach to my emotional, physical and spiritual body.  I am the first to admit that up until now I have spent years, months or days suffering through difficult experiences until I was ready to let them go.  That worked for a while, but over time I have come to recognize that the letting go process can be experienced in a different way and at this point in my life, a more helpful way. 

We live in a society that applauds happiness and avoids sadness, encourages lying about how you really feel and labels most emotions as right or wrong.  As a result we tend to want to get over difficult experiences sooner, feel happy so others around us will like us or be comfortable around us in order to be more comfortable with ourselves.  Or, on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, we attach ourselves so adamantly to our emotions that we become them.   We have learned to categorize an emotion as right or wrong, good or bad, appropriate or not appropriate, which enhances our own shame and exhaustion.  Most of us are in bondage to our emotions because we resist them or bury them or even tether ourselves to them so regularly that they run the show.  Imagine the possibility that we have a unique opportunity as humans to experience the depth of our emotions without being a slave to them. 

So, my experiment began.  With practice, I have become more present, enjoyed slowing down, and ultimately decreased my suffering.  Here’s how it goes:

• In a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed allow yourself to remember something that is causing you suffering.  As you remember become curious about the emotions or emotion you feel in regards to this event or experience. 
• As you clarify the emotion, become curious about what your body does in response to this emotion.  Where do you feel it most?  Is there a response or position that your body takes when you feel this emotion: a tightening, an ache, any physical experience of the emotion? 
• And then become aware of your breath, equalizing the in breath and out breath. 
• On the in breath, begin to allow the emotion to spread from the original place of tightening, ache or discomfort. 
• On the out breath become curious about what it would feel like to be free of this tightening, ache and discomfort. 
• On the in breath, notice the sensations that arise as you continue to let the experience of the emotion soften or move through your body, even through the boundary of your skin. 
• On the out breath, let in the relief that comes as you imagine the sensation of being free of this suffering. 
• On the in breath, continue to expand the emotion you are exploring, letting in the experience with curiosity.  Notice the sensations that arise in your body as the emotions move through you. 
• On the out breath, let in the experience of spaciousness that relief provides. 

For as much time as you are able continue to let in the emotion on the in breath and on the out breath, let in the liberation from suffering.  Experience fully as your breathing continues, the sensation of letting both in equally, letting neither weigh more than the other.

As I have begun to practice this I’ve noticed that I have dropped some of my resistance to difficult emotions.  In fact in one experience I found myself enjoying the body sensations of sadness as it softened its way into my body just by letting it in, accepting it fully.  Tears flowed, and rather than tapping back into the event that provoked them, I relaxed into the sensation of sadness, the ache spread, the tightness in my head receded, I wept, the softening occurred and the heartbreak that had provoked the sadness began to integrate into my experience in a gentler way.

Relationships end, loss happens, betrayal continues, wars build and we have the opportunity to accept all that comes with those experiences one breath at a time, so that our next choice comes from a place of freedom.  Generous compassion towards ourselves as we heal, is a great place to start. 

“The practice is about opening to whatever arises, but it’s important not to be overly ambitious. We aspire to keep our hearts open in the present moment, but we know it won’t always be possible. We can trust that if we just do tonglen as best we presently can, our ability to feel compassion will gradually expand.”

— Pema Chodrin

*If you are interested in exploring Tonglen, Pema Chodrin articulates the practice in great detail in her book The Places That Scare You.  It’s a great book.  I highly recommend it.    

Curiosity

I have had an active healing arts practice for eighteen years and I currently notice the vibrant and enlivening sense of a new beginning.   Becoming a Sex and Relationship Coach has palpably enhanced my vision for the rest of my work as a healer.  As a certified Somatica Method practitioner I have solidified my understanding that my vocation is an extension of what I love about life.  I love alignment on all levels, alignment within myself, to those around me, to the source of life, to the natural world. 

Curiosity seems to be the key for me in regards to staying aligned.  The places in my life in which I experience a lack of alignment and suffering are the times in which I feel positioned or afraid.  Becoming curious tends to undermine suffering and alleviate a sense of being separate from connection to our loved ones, a greater purpose and ourselves.  A good place to begin being curiousity is in regards to our bodies.  When it comes to our bodies and ailments, diagnosing specific problems that we experience in order to treat the problem is extremely helpful and necessary, but stopping there can be a missed opportunity.  Staying curious; slowing down in such a way that we become familiar even with what it feels like to breath, can give us one of the keys to curiosity and lead towards connection and healing.  Breathing slowly in and out and sensing the way that breath fills the lungs, expands against muscles and tendons and bone, adjusting the body so that the skin feels the last push of breath expanding to capacity, can awaken curiosity.  This can bring us into a state of listening, of knowing the first step of what it may take to experience healing in the body.  At the very least it will help us remember that we have a body which sometimes is easily forgotten as we race through life. 

Curiosity is helpful on many planes.  Those of us in partnerships or marriages for many years tend to loose curiosity about our partners.  We become comfortable which is natural but it also causes us to fall asleep and can ultimately swallow the expansiveness of love.  Staying curious in relationship is recognizing the benefit of “not knowing”.  Curiosity can be harnessed in many ways, some simple and some more difficult.  Asking questions is a good beginning.  In conflict we tend to revert to assuming the problem has to do with recognized habits in our partners.  Sometimes conflict arises partially out of asserting what we assume is the problem rather than asking questions that might uncover something deeper.  Our projections and assumptions are results of being positioned and afraid.  Curiosity allows for the possibility of true intimacy, connection and at the very least, roots us in love. 

What I have come to find over time is that one of the ways to establish patterns of curiosity is to recognize the benefit of connection.  One of the passions I’m nurturing in my healing arts practice as a Sex and Relationship Coach is looking for ways to nurture connection in community.  If you are in a romantic partnership whether it is just beginning or has been growing for years, consider enhancing your relationship through a four part series with other couples on a similar path.  Here are the details. 

I am so grateful for the ways in which I get to grow next to each of you.  

Living powerfully with your partner in the world

•a four part adventure for your relationship•

•heighten your passion and bring your relationship to the next level•

We spend enlivening hours dreaming up mission statements for the organizations and communities that excite us, imagine the possibility of creating the kind of romantic relationship that not only was filled with play and passion, but also was profoundly impactful in the world.  Build community over four months with four other couples who want to clarify, nourish, revive and renew their relationships with the intention to build love, passion, understanding and support around having inspiring partnerships.   

You can either bring together couples with whom you have already created sustaining relationships, or you can be placed with other couples that you will grow to know over the two-and-a-half-month journey.  

at the completion of the series each couple will:

• cultivate a deeper connection with your partner through four ninety-minute counseling sessions for the duration of the series; 
• uncover what aspects of the relationship are serving the partnership and which behaviors, attitudes and patterns are no longer feeding the vitality of your partnership;
• awaken the passion in your lives as a couple and as individuals;
• discover more intimately what the purpose of your relationship is;
• create agreements that will support you individually and as a couple; 
• meet four times as a group to support one another as couples, become allies for one another and become curious and excited once again about those aspects of your partnership that may have fallen into the background of busy lives.
• manifest a powerful and profound commitment to what you are creating as individuals and as a couple in the world.

what you can expect as you work with me

I am playful, direct, compassionate and extremely excited to help you find ways to create a passionate and vital relationship.  My approach as a Counselor and Sex and Relationship Coach is a commitment to following the path of deepest curiosity as your ally in the realm of profound connection and intimacy.  While sessions may be focused around talk, they also encompass practices that enhance connection with the body (fully clothed); relaxation through breath, identifying sensations in the body by exploring the emotions we may be resisting and many other experiential practices that allow the collaboration to move towards re-aligning with our enlivened selves.      

Though I have studied a substantial amount of research developed over years by well renowned Counselors, Therapists and Psychologists, I am most excited by the way in which healing occurs in surprising ways; acceptance, forgiveness, love, grieving, laughter, desire and so many other aspects of the human experience, that when given authentic presence, can move mountains in us.

registration details for each couple

Time Commitment:  Four  ninety minute private sessions as a couple, four two hour group sessions, and weekly guided prompts and a partnered support created to help you with your intention over a period of three months. 

Group Meetings on Calendared Mondays from seven o'clock to nine o'clock: Follow the link to the Couples Series to find out the next offering for this series.

• four 90 minutes private couples counseling session with Jaime

• four 2 hour group gathering for couples gathering, facilitated by Jaime                                         

• weekly prompts through email

Each week during the four month journey, you will be given guided prompts to heighten your connection both to yourself in the world and your partner.  You will be paired with one other person in the group to support you as you move more deeply through the process.

Cost: $660 per couple for the 2 month series

Location for Couples Session:  
970 East Main Street, Grass Valley Suite 104

Location for Couples Group Gathering:  
To be announced; facilitated by Jaime

You can register by pushing the RSVP button.  For more information call Jaime at (530) 559-2944 or email her at jmedoubleu@gmail.com

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Contact Jaime Williams through email at jmedoubleu@gmail.com or by phone at (530) 559-2944 to collaborate on how to make this series the best possible fit for you and your partner.